ENTERTAINMENT

Turn! Turn! Turn! (to Everything There Is A Season)

2009-12-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

to every thing is turn turn turn(song)

2009-12-13T20:38:00.001-08:00

The hypnotherapist cat

2009-12-13T20:29:00.000-08:00

The regulation of hypnotherapists in the UK is so lax that even a cat can become accredited, the BBC has found.

Chris Jackson, presenter of Inside Out in the North East and Cumbria, registered pet George with three industry bodies.

Each one accepted a certificate from the non-existent Society of Certified Advanced Mind Therapists as proof of George’s credentials.

It follows a similar investigation by an American clinical psychologist.

Dr Steve Eichel suspected industry bodies in the US were not running checks on their members.

He said: “I felt I’d test my hypothesis and I did that by getting my cat certified by a number of the most prominent lay hypnosis organisations in the United States. It was a frighteningly simple process.”

In the UK, George was registered with the British Board of Neuro Linguistic Programming (BBNLP), the United Fellowship of Hypnotherapists (UFH) and the Professional Hypnotherapy Practitioner Association (PHPA).

The UFH welcomed the Inside Out investigation and admitted the mistake, which it said has since been corrected.

A PHPA spokesman said the organisation makes great effort to ensure every applicant is a fully-qualified hypnotherapist.

The BBNLP said it exists only to provide benefits to its members, not to check or certify credentials

MODELS OF 2009

2009-06-11T02:56:00.000-07:00

Short Funny Quotes

2009-04-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

funny pictures

2009-04-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

Valentine Day

2009-04-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

Flowers and gifts are usually exchanged between lovers on Valentines Day. One question is always
come to my mind that why do we celebrate this day, but it is still a mystery so I can’t gets the
answer of it. It is always in our mind that February is a month of Love. How to celebrate this
day, which is full of love and, with whom to celebrate, that is a question of every young girl or
a boy. At that time when we were not had mobiles; we used to send love messages to our loved ones
through Loving Cards, Greeting cards, mails. But now a day’s thing has change, now we prefer to
show our feeling and emotions by sending some nice cute lovely SMS messages to our love once. In
everywhere, on Valentines Day 14 Feb., there is exchange of many millions of love SMS messages on
this loving day.
You are like the sunshine so warm, you are like sugar, so sweet... you are like you... and that's
the reason why I love you
You must be a good runner because you are always running in my mind, you must be a good thief
because you have stolen my heart, and I am always a bad shooter because I Miss You Always...
I am in hospital now. After 5 minutes, I will be transferred to a surgery room. The doctor told
me, I will die if I stop RECEIVING YOUR SMS
If the people we love are stolen away from us the only way to have them live on is to never stop
loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever...
If I die and go to heaven, I'll put your name on a golden star. So that all the angels can see,
how much you mean to me.
I miss you so, here around me, so many people, but yet so alone. I miss your lips, your lovely
smile; I miss you each day more and more!
I feel something in my heart, it's like a little flame, every time I see you, this flame lights
up, this flame is special for you, because I LOVE YOU!...
When a heart is the sign of love, and red the color... and when walking around with your head in
the clouds means that one is in love. Why do I draw a line in blue and am I only thinking of you?
There is a lot of bird’s whispering only about you, you should once listen to them, and then you
would know how much I love you.
When u feel hot and warm at the same time, when u read over the same line for the tenth time,
when you heart and thoughts some one how appear rhyme and when a simple name conquers your whole
mind then your in deep trouble my friend… u are in what they call “love”.
If you have a boy friend or a girl friend :-) and you have a mobile, then why are you waiting,
get your desire SMS within thousands of SMS and send this lovely romantic SMS messages to your
loved ones. If he or she really loves you :-), you will get a reply with more romantic SMS
message (must check it). So be ready valentine days is not so far now so Exchange these love SMS
on this Valentines day to your love once.

Poem: Season

2009-04-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

n the cold winter I stay inside Cracking fire red,orange and yellow Hot chocolate sitting on the counter Looking out the window A white sheet of snow covering the grass Icicles hanging off the trees Icy cold wind blowing through the pane. Little flakes of snow coming down like angels Children throwing snowballs at my window It's winter the favorite season

My New Puppy
I was trudging home from school in the snow,on a bitter blustery day. The fierce wind was making my face feel raw. I was passing snow covered roofs and fences, making an attempt to get home before the heavy snow settled in. On that particular route home I always pass my fantasy house. It's white and has a white pickett fence in front of it.
It has always had the best garden ever since I could remember. Every Spring when I look in the garden, I see bright fragrant flowers, and always stop to smell and maybe pick a flower that's poking out of the pickett fence. On this day I looked into the garden and saw a small box in the middle of the pathway leading up to the house front porch. I approached the box and noticed it contained something soft and furry all curled up. I looked to the left and saw the sign that had obviously blown off of the box. It said FREE PUPPY! The puppy looked so cold and helpless, I couldn't just leave it there to freeze.
After all it was starting to snow really hard now and the cardboard box was getting soggier by the moment from the melting snow. I decided I would take him just for the night so he would have a warm place to sleep, and maybe ask my parents in the morning if I could keep him. Besides my parents were talking about getting me a pet puppy anyway, what better then a free one? I cradled him inside of my coat close enough to my body to keep him warm. I was so excited at that moment that I ran all the way home. As soon as I got inside the house, I flew up to my room and on to my bed. I hustled and bustled to prepare a space for the puppy at the end of my bed made out of old doll blankets and throw pillows.
The puppy immediately collapsed in the comforting pile made just for him. I really couldn't help to smile. My mom walked in and saw me petting the little bundle. She couldn't help but bear a smile also. And she probably knew how I felt about the little guy. His soft brown fur and pink and black little nose were just so cute I don't think anyone could resist him.. I explained how I found him and that I just couldn't leave him shivering there in that soggy box. I didn't care how nice that house was. Didn't the owners have enough common sense not to leave a puppy to freeze in the snow? My mom patted the puppy on the head and quietly left the room giving me one more loving smile and a gentle hug. The next morning was a Saturday.
I woke up and found a little fuzz ball on top of me gently snoozing. I was so happy that I gave him a little hug. I even gave him a kiss on his cute little snout. I was so relieved when my parents explained my responsibilities towards the puppy if I was to keep him. When we got him licensed I put on his name tag Sammy.
And now he was mine to keep! My own real puppy to keep all to myself. Now I'm 20 years old and every single day Sammy and I go on a walk past the house where I found him 9 years ago. Sammy isn't as strong as he used to be and he surely doesn't have as much energy as he once did but we love each other all the same.

Kids Photo Gallery

2009-04-22T09:33:00.000-07:00

2009-04-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

Boss wants too much
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Old local blacksmith
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Pick a starting salary
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Drummer problems
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Changed HR policies
Casual Fridays:

Week 1 - Memo No. 1

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8

Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

Letters to a landlord
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Describe professions
What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

How all careers end
How careers end...

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists' models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discolored.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

Quotes of companies
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Selling war insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

2009-04-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

The technical geek test
Are you a tehcnical geek?

Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.

You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .

When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"

When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.

When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".

When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.

When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.

When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.

When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.

When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.

When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

Impossible final exams
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

Student world history
Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.

During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection.

After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeoed into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside.

Mideval people were violent. Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.

In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by infected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.

The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world thanks to Northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.

The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.

After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgundy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.

Louise XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his goverment with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.

The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown as yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification. Industrialisation was precipitating in England.

Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.

Great Brittian, the USA and other European countries had demicratic leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.

A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleam III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.

Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical". Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.

World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war 'team colours' were red and white.

Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly over-excited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic movement arose. Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by government groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rhineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.

The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.

According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was a period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as adolescence experiences its life development. The last stage is us.

A new professor's diary
Jan 3rd, 1995
I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will don the the uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people. Tomorrow, I shall become an academic!

Jan 4th, 1995
Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a pipe, I stepped onto the University Campus. Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow academia. Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct:

They: Do you know what you're doing?
Me: This is Belgium, right?
They: You have a masters in English?
Me: I have a Red Volvo!
They: And you're applying for a position in the department of Physics?
Me: I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!

I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student population.

Jan 5th, 1995
Today was my first as a lecturer. I prepared concientiously by drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very late the preceding night turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and the passion of his poetry. The first year Physics students were left speechless.

Jan 6th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.

Jan 7th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday.

Jan 8th, 1995
I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.

Jan 9th, 1995
Being conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well deserved holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible for a six month sebattical.

Jan 12th, 1995
My lecture this morning was a landmark effort. I launched into the explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an academic, subverted myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of hitch-hiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in South America, my Holiday in South America, the woman I met in South America, the place she worked at, their physics department, then to finish off, what their physics department said about the right-hand-rule. I think I was well received

Jan 13th, 1995
A minor peice of confusion here in that I brought my Telephone book instead of my lecture notes. I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point. I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity. Attendance dropped by one.

Jan 14th, 1995
Being a Friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an experiment in wave theory. I walked into the lab, waved, and left. I'm sure my students appreciated the humourous content.

Jan 16th, 1995
Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive confirmation of my sebattical, taking it, on full pay, immediately.

Jul 17th, 1995
Back from sebattical I realise that I did not make arrangements for a stand-in lecturer. In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.

Jul 18th, 1995
Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class. When I asked him how his homework was going as his entire coursework depended on it. He screamed and left. I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no-one was attending my courses.

Jul 21st, 1995
My students are all back having received the letter informing them that grants are only paid to attending students. Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy, are openly weeping.

Jul 24th, 1995
I am now eligible for three months extra-curricular sebattical, which I decide to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be held the day I return, covering all aspects of the course, including the last minute addition of the Encyclopedia Brittanica to the Book List. I expect all students to have a copy.

Oct 24th, 1995
Exam day.
Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute different values for the equation. I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the answers and mark the exams.

Oct 27th, 1995
I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class passed the exam. Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months further paid sebbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind. Starting the third day of term next year. I think I'm on a winner here.

The homework schedule
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

A lecture about English
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Try to bribe a professor
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

Fun on first day of class
This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as "your excellency".

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.

24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.

29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.

30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

31. Watch the professor through binoculars.

32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.

37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.

38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.

39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"

40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.

42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".

44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"

45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

This above was written by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

2009-04-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

You really do stink
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

Who is on First?
Who's On First

(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)

LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?

BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU: You know the fellows' names?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.

BUD: Yes

LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first base.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?

BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.

LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?

BUD: That's the man's name!

LOU: That's who's name?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The first baseman.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?

BUD: Certainly.

LOU: Then who's playing first?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

LOU: Who is?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So who gets it?

BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

LOU: Who's wife?

BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.

LOU: Who does?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.

BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.

BUD: Well, don't change the players around.

LOU: I'm not changing nobody.

BUD: Now, take it easy.

LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.

LOU: How could I get on third base?

BUD: You mentioned his name.

LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

BUD: No, Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?

BUD: Well what do you want me to do?

LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third.

LOU: There I go back on third again.

BUD: Well, I can't change their names.

LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.

BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.

LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.

BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: THIRD BASE!

LOU: You got an outfield?

BUD: Oh, sure.

LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?

BUD: Oh, absolutely.

LOU: The left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.

BUD: Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay out of the infield!

BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.

LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?

BUD: What is on second.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.

LOU: And the left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: Because.

BUD: Oh he's Center Field.

LOU: (whimpers) Center field.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.

BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: You don't want to tell me today?

BUD: I'm tell you, man.

LOU: Then go ahead.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: What time?

BUD: What time what?

LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --

LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"

BUD: Then why come up here and ask?

LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!

LOU: You gotta Catcher?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: The Catcher's name?

BUD: Today.

LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.

BUD: Well I can't help that.

LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.

BUD: I know that.

LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

BUD: Well I might arrange that.

LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.

LOU: is to throw it to first base.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now who's got it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Who has it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: All right.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.

LOU: That's what I said.

BUD: You did not.

LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: That's what I'm saying.

BUD: You're not saying that.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.

LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

BUD: Now don't get excited.

LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--

BUD: Then Who gets it.

LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!

BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.

LOU: Hrmmph.

BUD: Hrmmph.

LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.

BUD: Uh-huh.

LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.

BUD: Yeah. It could be.

LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.

BUD: What did you say.

LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."

BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!

LOU: ABBOTT!

Why the bad plays?
A true story, according to the LA Times.....

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"

Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"

Play as James Bond
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"Batted .007," his wife added.

Short Cowboy jokes
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.

Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

Murphy's martial laws
Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

Watch real baseball
Watching a Real Baseball Team

From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.

Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

They keep shouting "Do over!"

When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.

Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.

First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"

Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.

You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"

They play like the Mets

Black belt degrees
Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt

Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

Escape from Dojo

The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.

Sleeper Stance

Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.

Sigh of Wisdom

Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.

Crossing Fingers

A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.

Gift of Instruction

The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.

Seeing Without Seeing

The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.

Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)

Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.

Mugger's Defense

Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.

Sensei's Downfall

Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).

Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.

Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.

Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.

Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.

Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).

Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).

Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.

Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.

Must be able to sing Karaoke.

Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)

Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).

Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".

Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.

Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.

Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.

Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note:

Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

Snowboarding lesson
Snowboarding Lessons

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

Step One: Watching Brad do something.

Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.

I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"

Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.

New rules for bowling
Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

2009-04-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate I'm dreaming of a white precipitate just like the ones I used to make Where the colors are vivid and the chemist is livid to see impurities in the snow. I'm dreaming of a white precipitate with every chemistry test I write May your equations be balanced and right and may all your reactions be bright.

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Q: What is one horsepower?

A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* ...Lj]

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX

Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Actual test answers
These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.

Science one-liners
Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.023 E23

-----------------------------------------------------------------
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate

-----------------------------------------------------------------
(Picture of Einstein in a police uniform with caption): 186,000 miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.

-----------------------------------------------------------------Feathers are light.
The sun gives off light.
Therefore, the sun gives off feathers.

Administratrium found
Administratrium, The New Element

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not promising.

Go investigate Mir
After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy.

In terse statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nations' team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident.

The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only: OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

Chemist's fast prayer
Chemist's fast prayer:
Dear Lord, if I mix sodium
with concentrated HNO3,
and add to it Plutonium,
would you take care of me?

Song of the elements
There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium
And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium (inhale)
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.

There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium
And phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium
And manganese and mercury, molybdinum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium
And lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium,
Paladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, (inhale)
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium
And also mendelevium, einsteinium and nobelium
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium
And chlorine, cobalt, carbon, copper,
Tungsten, tin and sodium.

- Tom Lehrer

2009-04-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town

You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
I'm telling you now
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He's collecting data
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He sees you when you're decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.

Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

2009-04-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

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2009-04-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

2009-04-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

2009-04-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

2009-04-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

2009-04-22T08:11:00.002-07:00

2009-04-22T08:11:00.001-07:00

Ingredients:

750 ml fresh, boiled milk at room temperature
2 dozen large, good quality soft dates
50 gm coconut cream powder
1/2 cup sugar (or as per taste)
For garnish
3 - 4 tbsp. almonds and pistachios slivered or crushed
4 - 6 washed, slit, deseeded dates

Date and Coconut Shake Recipe

Method:

* Wash and soak the dates in hot water for five minutes and drain well.
* Skin and deseed them.
* Blend all the ingredients together till creamy.
* After blending, pour this drink into an airtight container and keep in the deep freezer for 20-30 minutes; take out and stir well.
* Pour into glasses and garnish with slitted dates, slivered or crushed almonds and pistachios and serve it.

(Note. 1-Do not add ice at any stage as the drink will become diluted.
2-Do not use dry dates.)

2009-04-22T08:10:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:

200 gms biscuits/ plain cake/chocolate cake crumbs (as per preference)
500 gms fresh cream
250 gms icing sugar
300 gms cream cheese (unsalted)
3 egg whites
1 Â½ tbsp gelatine (dissolved in water)

Topping

Whipped cream
Pineapple slices
Crushed pineapple

Pineapple Dessert Free Recipes

Method:

* Take a round dish, about one inch deep, and spread a thick layer of crushed biscuit/cake crumbs at the base.
* Press down firmly.
* Take a bowl and mix the cream cheese and sugar together.
* Blend them well then add the fresh cream to it as well.
* Separately, beat the egg whites and add the dissolved gelatine to it; beat till the mixture becomes foamy and forms into soft peaks.
* Gradually add the cream cheese and sugar mixture, blending gently until smooth.
* Pour this mixture over the bed of crumbs.
* Top with fresh pineapple slices, swirls of whipped cream, and crushed pineapple.
* Refrigerate and serve chilled.

2009-04-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:

6 spring onions, cut into strips
8tbsp carrots, cut into strips
12 oz boneless beef cut into strips
2tbsp oil
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 inch piece ginger, peeled and finely chopped
5 cups beef stock
3tbsp Soya sauce
75g/3oz egg noodles
75g/3oz spinach, shredded
Salt and pepper to taste

Beef Noodles Soup Recipe

Method:

* Heat the oil in a saucepan and cook the beef until browned.
* Add garlic, ginger, spring onions and carrots to the pan and stir-fry for three minutes.
* Add the beef stock, Soya sauce and seasoning.
* Bring to boil and simmer, covered for 10 minutes.
* Break up the noodles and add to the pan along with spinach.
* Simmer gently for five minutes or until the beef is tender.

2009-04-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:

250 gm potatoes
Â½ tsp red chilli powder
1 tsp kalonji
Â½ tsp all spice powder
4 cups water
1 inch ginger, chopped
2 green chillies, chopped
2 tomatoes, chopped
1 tsp salt
Chopped coriander leaves for garnish

Aloo Bhujia Free Recipes

Method:

* Peel and thickly slice the potatoes.
* Put them in a pan with chilli powder, kalonji, salt and water and cook on medium heat.
* When the water comes up to a boil, roughly mash the potatoes with a spoon.
* After a while add chopped tomatoes.
* When the water reduces down completely and the potatoes are tender, remove from heat.
* Add all spice powder, chopped ginger and chopped green chillies.
* Put the pan back on the heat and cook for another couple of minutes.
* Dish out and sprinkle chopped coriander leaves for garnish.

2009-04-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of commonly used ingredients in an Indian kitchen. If you do not cook Indian food everyday, remember to buy small packets of spices, lentils and pulses etc. It may be an idea to share the spice packets with your friends as they tend to lose their flavour with age.

Cumin Seeds (Zeera)
Black mustard seeds (Rai)
Fennel seeds (Sounf)
Carom seeds ((Ajwain))
Fenugreek seeds (Methi)
Nigella Seeds (Kalaunji)
Cloves (Laung or Lavang)
Peppercorns (Kali mirch)
Cinnamon sticks (Dal-chini)
Black Cardamoms (Badi illaichi)
Green Cardamoms (Choti illaichi)
Bay leaves (Tez-patta)
Curry Leaves (Curry Patta)
Cloves (Long)
Coriander powder (Dhania)
Turmeric powder (Haldi)
Chilli powder (Lal mirch)
Sweet Paprika Powder (Shimla Mirch)
Ground cumin (Pisa Zeera)
Asafoetida powder (Heeng or Hing)
Garam masala
Mace (Jaiphal)
Nutmeg (Javitri)
Rose water essence (Gulab ras)
Saffron Strands (Kesar)
Gram flour (Bessan)
Chapatti Flour (Aatta)
Basmati or good quality rice(Chawal)
Lentils (Daals)
Split Green Gram Dal, with and without skin (Moong Dal Dhuli and with chhilka)
Whole Green Gram (Saabat Moong)
Black Gram, split- both with skin and washed (Urad Dal, chilka and dhuli)
Whole Black Gram(Saabat Urad)
Split Pigeon Peas (Arhar Dal)
Split Bengal Gram, skinless (Chana Dal)
White Chick peas (Sufaid Chanay)
Black Chick peas (Kala Chana)
Kidney beans (Rajma)
Tinned tomatoes
Vinegar
Bottled lemon juice
Cooking oil
Clarified butter (Ghee)

2009-04-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

Temperatures, Weights and Measures
Cookery books from different countries, even different periods in the same country use different units of measurements. They are a minefield of confusion. Change to metric system in recent times has made life easier, but many people are resistant to change. I read somewhere, “if God had meant humans to use the metric system, he'd have given us ten fingers!!"
I have attempted below to make some sense of this confusion, hope you will find what you are looking for.

Oven Temperature
Always warm the oven for at least 10 minutes or until the indicator light goes out telling you that the desired temperature has been reached. Oven temperatures vary. Fan ovens should be kept around 10-15° C lower than ordinary ones.
Fahrenheit (°F) Centigrade (°C) Gas Oven Mark Description
475°F 246°C 9 Very Hot
450°F 232°C 8 Very Hot
425°F 218°C 7 Fairly Hot
400°F 204°C 6 Fairly Hot
375°F 191°C 5 Moderately Hot
350°F 177°C 4 Warm
325°F 163°C 3 Warm
300°F 149°C 2 Cool
275°F 135°C 1 Cool
250°F 121°C ½ Very Cool
225°F 110°C ¼ Very Cool

Metric and Imperial Weights
It is a good idea to have one large weighing scale that will measure up to 5 kg. A smaller scale, the type often used by people on a diet, is good for measuring very small quantities accurately.
Grams lb/oz (Pounds) Grams lb/oz (Pounds)
10 gm. 0.5 oz. 400 gm. 14 oz.
20 gm. 0.75 oz. 425 gm. 15 oz.
25 gm. 1 oz. 450 gm. 1 lb. (Pound)
50 gm. 2 oz. 500 gm. 1 lb. 2 oz.
75 gm. 3 oz. 700 gm. 1 lb. 9 oz.
110 gm. 4 oz. 750 gm. 1 lb. 10 oz.
150 gm. 5 oz. 1 kg. 2 lb. 3 oz.
175 gm. 6 oz. 1.25 kg. 2 lb. 12 oz.
200 gm. 7 oz. 1.50 kg. 3 lb. 5 oz.
225 gm. 8 oz. 1.75 kg. 3 lb. 14 oz.
250 gm. 9 oz. 2 kg. 4 lb. 6oz.
275 gm. 9.5 oz. 2.25 kg. 4 lb. 15 oz.
300 gm. 10.5 oz. 2.50 kg. 5 lb. 8 oz.
350 gm. 12 oz. 2.75 kg. 6 lb. 1 oz.
375 gm. 13 oz. 3 kg. 6 lb. 10 oz.

Volumes/Liquid Measure
Spoons and cups are slightly different sizes, not only in different countries but even within the same country. Therefore, it is a good idea to buy a set of measuring spoons. They are available from all good kitchen stores and often come on a chain, so that they do not get separated.
Buy a measuring jug that has litres, millilitres, pints and fluid ounces marked.
Milliliters FL./OZ./Gallons Pints
1.25 ml. 1/4 Table Spoon
2.5 ml. 1/2 Tea Spoon
5 ml. 1 Level Tea Spoon
15 ml. 1/2 fl. oz. (fluid ounce)
20 ml. 1 dessertspoon
30 ml. 1 fl. oz. (fluid ounce)
50 ml. 2 fl. oz.
59 ml.
74 ml.
118 ml. 4 fl. oz.
150 ml. 0.5 (UK) pint
200 ml. 0.66 pint
240 ml. 8 fl. oz.
300 ml. 10 fl. oz. 0.5 pint
425 ml. 15 fl. oz. 075 pint
480 ml. 16 fl. oz. 1 US pint
600 ml. 20 fl. oz. 1 pint
700 ml. 23 fl. oz. 1.25 pints
850 ml. 28 fl. oz. 1.5 pints
1 33 fl. oz. 1.75 pints
1.2 1 quart 2 pints
2 3.2 pints
3800 1 US gallon
4800 1 UK gallon 8 pints

Old Pakistani Measures
1 Masha 8 Ratti 1 Gram
1 Tola 12 Masha 12 Gram
1 Chhatank 5 Tola 160 Gram
1 Pao 4 Chhatank 225 Gram
1 Ser 4 Pao 1 Kilogram

2009-04-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

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2009-04-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

1. Tackling nutritional problems for older people
2. Adolescence
3. Weaning (six months to one year)
4. Older adults - staying fit and healthy
5. Children (five to 12 years)
6. Infants birth to six months
7. Adults
8. Pre-school children (one to four years)
9. Preconception and pregnancy
10. Fruit and vegetables
11. Lunchbox tips
12. Fats and sugar
13. Eating out - choosing healthier options
14. Salt
15. Bread, cereals and other starchy foods
16. Water fluid
17. Multiple sclerosis
18. The digestive system
19. Caffeinated Drinks
20. Meat, fish, eggs and alternative sources of protein
21. Balance of good health
22. Finding the time
23. Maintaining a healthy weight
24. Children's weight
25. Eating disorders
26. Why we gain weight
27. How to lose weight
28. Body mass index
29. Do you need to gain weight
30. Do you need to lose weight
31. Are you a healthy weight
32. Swimmer Week six
33. Swimmer Week five
34. Swimmer Week four
35. Swimmer Week three
36. Swimmer Week two
37. Swimmer Week one
38. Swimmer
39. Getting started Week Six
40. Getting started Week Five
41. Getting started Week four
42. Getting started Week three
43. Getting started Week Two
44. Getting started
45. In Healthy living Week six
46. In Healthy living Week Five
47. Healthy Living Week four
48. In Healthy living Week three
49. In Healthy living Week two
50. Healthy Living
51. Food poisoning
52. Epileptic seizures
53. Head injuries
54. Broken Bones Child
55. Electrocution (low voltage)
56. Resuscitation - baby
57. Choking - child
58. Burns and scalds
59. Anaphylactic shock - children
60. Rescue breaths
61. Drowning
62. Convulsions
63. Opening airway
64. At the scene of an accident
65. Anaphylactic shock - adults
66. Back injuries
67. Bleeding
68. Risky Business for Teens
69. Venom allergies
70. Summer hay fever
71. Eye Allergies
72. Anaphylaxis
73. Allergic rhinitis
74. Drug allergy
75. Asthma
76. Eczemas
77. Adverse food reactions
78. Jaundice
79. Finding the time
80. How much exercise do I need
81. What's the right activity for me
82. Injuries and treatment
83. Children and young people
84. Why get fit
85. Recovery position
86. Avoiding allergens
87. Supporting someone with cancer
88. Treatment
89. Foods that Lower Cholesterol
90. 3 Holiday Makeup Looks
91. Tips to give up smoking
92. Disguise a Double Chin
93. Help for Tired Eyes
94. Makeup Tricks for Dark Skin
95. Match Your Makeup to Your Outfit
96. Head Injury
97. Quick Fixes for Common Hair Problems
98. Look Younger by Morning
99. Sleep Disorders
100. Drinking Coffee Helps Fight Alzheimer's
101. Heartburn
102. Liung cancer cases
103. Babies failing to thrive
104. Perfect Lipstick
105. Cold Medicines Dangerous for Infants
106. Heart Attack
107. Colds and flu
108. Grass-Fed Beef The Natural Alternative
109. Maintaining your target weight
110. Hepatitis C
111. Sensible slimming
112. Moving on
113. Techniques for Administering Medicine
114. Keeping Kids Free of the Common Cold
115. Cervical Cancer
116. Flaky scalp
117. Avoiding flu
118. Folic acid 'hinders malaria drug'
119. Your Guide to Natural Euphoria
120. Life stages
121. Tension Headaches Prevention
122. Lung cancer
123. Your Biggest Beauty Blunders -- Solved!
124. Maintaining your target weight
125. Better Digestion Diet
126. Prediabetes Overview
127. What to do when gas gets you down
128. Dementia
129. Obesity in children
130. Why Everyone Loves Mineral Makeup
131. Reasons You're Still Fat
132. 10 healthy foods that aren't so healthy
133. Cancer-Fighting Superfoods
134. Your Nail Problems - Solved!
135. Surprising News About Aspirin and Women's Hearts
136. Foot Pain Overview
137. Eating for Optimal Health
138. Smoking Facts for Teens
139. Beautiful Skin Starts Here
140. 10 Superfoods to Keep You Cool
141. Migraine Overview
142. Meal Plans for On-the-Go Women
143. Rose Water How to Make Your Own
144. High Blood Pressure Dealing Day-to-Day
145. Healthy Eating 8 Nutrition-Packed Foods
146. Money-Saving Beauty Secrets
147. Energy Booster Diet
148. 3 Steps to a Happiness Makeover
149. A healthy lifestyle can protect against mouth cancer
150. Weave the Magic
151. Doing Dairy Right
152. Memory Loss With Aging What's Normal, What's Not
153. Researchers Cast About for Answers on Fish Benefits and Risks
154. Preventing the Flu
155. Are You Eating Too Much Salt
156. Choosing a Family Physician
157. Dairy fact and fiction
158. How Sweet It Is Dulls Pain for Some Kids
159. How To Have Great Skin
160. Recipe for Heart Health
161. The Scoop on Sugar
162. Three Steps to a Flatter Tummy
163. Tips for Talking to Your Doctor
164. Healthy Living What You Can Do to Keep Your Health
165. Breakfast slims teen girls
166. Vomiting and Diarrhea Helping Your Child Through Sickness
167. How to Treat Toenail Fungus
168. Acne and the Sugar Connection
169. 20 Ways to Begin Healing
170. Research promising for chocolate lovers
171. Air Travel Health Tips
172. Hair Coloring
173. Brush Up on Barbecue Safety
174. Tight Glucose Control Cuts Heart Disease Risk in Half
175. Get Refreshed 5 Tips for Better Sleep
176. In Search of Pearly Whites
177. Make-up for Brides
178. Study Calcium, Vitamin D may reduce PMS
179. FDA panel rejects artificial heart
180. Red meat 'linked to cancer risk'
181. For Your Eyes Only
182. Perfect Pins
183. Hand Care Tips
184. Ways to Fight Oily Skin
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2009-04-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

A great article with Ten easy steps to help you get great 6 Pack Abdominals. Lots more exercises on our website, link is at the end of this article.

1. Dance! If you don't like the gym, dancing & aerobics are a great social way to get a weeky dose of exercise. The upbeat music and the new friends that you will make mean the time will pass very quickly.

2. New food. Put down the ice cream, hide the biscuits and change your butter to low fat spread. Change your eating habits so you are eating more fresh fruit and vegetables. Eating less salt, sugar & fatty foods will give you plenty of energy.

3. Drown the fat in water. Make sure you always have plenty of water around to drink, you'll automatically eat less and your body will be in a much better conditon overall.

4. Walking to skinnyville. Take the stairs instead of the lift, everytime you do that you're giving yourself a cheap work out.

5. Watch a funny film. When you laugh your stomach muscles tense up naturally, giving them a mini work out. You will notice that if you have a laughing fit that you double over because your muscles do start to hurt after a while.

6. Scrub like Cinderella. Put your back into the weekly clean and concentrate on tensing your stomach muscles each time you are scrubbing or using the vacuum.

7. Game time. Another great way of escaping the dull gym routine is by playing games instead, soccer, basketball & tennis will give you a great work out. You will also be more likely to push yourself a little bit harder if you are competing with someone else.

8. Swimming is a great way to warm down after a work out, its also an intense session all on its own. You'll get a great work out for the muscles & you'll find it relaxing.

9. Ramble on! A nick walk or a cycle will help burn off even more pounds & its always nice to see the great outdoors.

10. It’s crunch time. Embark on a short set of sit ups or crunches at a time rather than throwing yourself into 3000 in one go. Making it more achievable will make it easier to begin. Those 6 pack abdominals are just round the corner.

If you'd like to learn some great strategies for improving your health check out our website for 6 Pack Abdominals

2009-04-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

Audiologists specialize in hearing loss and related disorders. If you’re suffering from hearing loss or tinnitus (ringing in the ears), your doctor might refer you to an audiologist for a complete evaluation. Let’s take a look at what you can expect from an audiology examination.

When you arrive at the audiologist’s office, you’ll be asked several questions about your medical history and your hearing loss. Your answers will help the audiologist become familiar with your needs, formulate a treatment plan, and make referrals if necessary.

Next, the audiologist will perform a physical examination of your ear using a tool called an otoscope. This tool allows the doctor to peer inside your ear canal to check for excessive wax, blockages, infection, or irregularities that need to be addressed.

Once the physical exam is done, the audiologist will conduct a tympanometry test. During this test, the audiologist uses a probe to determine how your eardrum responds to a change of pressure inside the ear. It’s a painless test that helps identify problems which would decrease the eardrum’s flexibility, such as infection or fluid build-up.

After the tympanometry test, the audiologist will administer an audiometry test. This test evaluates how well you can hear different tones at different volumes. First you’ll listen to sounds through a pair of headphones. Then the doctor will put a bone vibrator behind your ear to determine how well your inner ear conducts sounds. The results of the testing will tell the audiologist whether you have conductive hearing loss, sensorineural hearing loss, or a mixture of both.

When all the testing is complete, the audiologist will explain the results to you. They will make a recommendation based on their findings. Then you can ask any questions you have regarding your treatment plan.

Some of the tones you hear during the audiometry test might be uncomfortable for a brief time, but audiology exams are generally painless and very useful for diagnosing and treating your hearing problems.

For answers to your hearing loss questions and to learn more about Bay Area hearing loss treatments, contact the skilled Los Gatos audiologist at Los Gatos Audiology and Hearing Aid Center.

2009-04-22T07:57:00.000-07:00

Scientific studies have recently been conducted to verify the fact that if you eat more protein, especially during a lowered calorie diet, you will wind up losing less muscle tissue than those who don't. It should be pointed out here that the number one thing to remember when losing weight with any method, is to make sure you don't lose too much muscle mass. Muscles increase the metabolism greatly which means if we lose enough of it, our metabolism can drop sharply.

Muscles burn fat because they need calories for maintenance. So the more muscle you have, the more calories you will burn daily. People who go on starvation diets lose large amounts of muscle tissue. When these people return to normal eating habits, their metabolism will actually work slower from the lost muscle mass. They will tend to put on even more weight than they initially lost from dieting and losing weight becomes even harder and frustrating.

Protein is a word that literally means "of prime importance". It is an essential nutrient that is used to build the body, especially the muscles. It's also used to build organs, hair, hormones, nails and many more body parts. The human body cannot operate or survive without adequate protein. People who tend to have issues with their weight were found to eat much less protein than needed. Your protein needs will be much higher if you regularly engange in exercise or are very mentally active.

Protein is such a useful tool for weight loss in many ways, one of them being for it's thermic value. Of all the food types, protein has the highest thermic value which means that it is the hardest to digest and uses up more calories in the process. Taking longer to digest, it will leave you feeling satisfied for a longer period of time. It also doesn't cause your blood sugar level to spike too quickly.

An important aspect of protein is that it's made up of what's called amino acids. There are actually 12 essential amino acids that the body is unable to produce by itself and has to acquire them from external food sources. The majority of people are deficient in certain amino acids. This is either because they simply don't consume enough, or that they don't eat foods that have high quality protein within them that the body can easily assimilate. Eggs and yogurt contain protein of high biological value. What this means is that we can use this type of protein much easier than other types. Another good source is whey protein powder.

If the foods that you eat regularly are low in nutrients and amino acids, your body will be hungry more often. This is because it needs to eat a lot to get those nutrients that it needs. If on the other hand, you started to eat nutrient-dense foods, the body will need less food and only need food when it needs calories for energy. This is actually one of the biggest reasons why people fail on crash or fad types of diets. They feel intense hunger when depriving their body from what it really needs.

It needs to be mentioned here that when cook protein, parts of it actually get transformed and destroys certain key amino acids. Protein is sensitive to heat, so it is a good idea to add a few raw protein sources to your current diet. These could include seeds, yogurt, nuts, fruit, some vegetables, whey and cheese that have not been cooked. This will provide you with all 12 of those essential amino acids that the body craves. It can then produce the other acids from the initial 12.

To also help preserve the muscle tissue in the body, you can do more exercise or weight training. If your body needs it's muscle for frequent motion, it will tend not to use them as fuel. It will begin using stores of fat to feed the muscles and cells in the body.

About the author:

Would you like to find out how you can turn your body into a complete fat burner? You definitely need to read the ebook titled: "Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle". It contains many fat busting secrets that work in the real world because they have been used by models and bodybuilders. To find out more visit the above link.

2009-04-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

Your weight
Expert advice to help you maintain a healthy weight

Dissatisfied with your weight?
We're bombarded with scare stories about weight, from size zero to the obesity 'epidemic'. But a healthy weight is determined by different factors for each of us. Our expert advice is designed to help you achieve and maintain a healthy, life-enhancing weight.

Overweight or underweight?
Being the right weight has a positive effect on wellbeing but also on our health, as being the wrong weight can cause a range of medical problems.

In the UK, the number of obese children continues to rise. Currently, just under one in five children between the ages of two and ten is obese.

Obese children tend to become obese adults. This increases the risk of developing certain diseases, such as type 2 diabetes.

If you think your child might be overweight or obese, check with your GP. They'll be able to advise you on how to provide the right support for your child to help slow or halt their weight gain and allow them to grow into their weight.

Even if your child doesn't have a weight problem, it's important to establish healthy eating habits early on so they don't gain any excess weight.

Good nutrition in childhood is vital for growth and development. Establishing healthy eating and activity patterns while children are young can lead to life-long habits that will help to determine whether or not they're healthy as adults.

What's a healthy diet?
Children need a varied diet that provides enough energy and protein for growth and repair, and contains all the essential vitamins and minerals.

Encouraging by example
The best way to improve your child's diet is for them to see you enjoying healthy food options.

Introduce new foods from an early age. It's normal for children to reject new foods at first, but this doesn't mean they'll never like them. Research shows most children will eat them if you try again a few days later.

Don't pressure your child to clear their plate. Encouraging them to eat when they're not hungry can result in them eating more calorie-rich foods.

It may also lead weaken your child's innate ability to respond to signals of hunger or fullness, so that they overeat.

Small children need to eat regularly, but keep snacks to defined times rather than allowing continual grazing. Snack foods don't have to be sweets or biscuits. Try slices of fruit or vegetable sticks instead.

Portion size
Portion sizes have increased over the years, especially when it comes to ready meals and snacks. This means children have become used to eating more calories than they need.

High nutritional quality is more important than large quantities. Small children don't need as much food as adults. Think twice when serving meals and make sure theirs is smaller than a typical adult serving.

Avoid the supersize, kingsize and '25 per cent extra' foods. Seek out mini and fun-size foods instead.

Treats
Snacks during the day should be planned rather than spontaneous, so children can establish feelings of hunger and fullness.

Offering a sweet pudding as a reward when your child eats their greens reinforces the idea that vegetables are unpleasant and something to be endured, while desserts are a treat. Try offering non-food rewards, such as a story or trip to the park, instead.

Foods such as cakes, sweets, crisps and sugary drinks should be kept as party or holiday foods, not everyday items.

How many calories?
The following table shows the estimated average daily calorie requirements for young children. The figures assume the child is of average weight with reasonable physical activity levels. It should be used as a guide only.

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Encouraging activity
Children are naturally active, so don't stop them tearing round the house even if you're craving a few minutes of peace and quiet.

Some sedentary behaviour, especially watching TV, is linked to increased intake of food, especially those high in fat, salt and sugar. If your child demands snack foods, try plain popcorn, vegetable sticks or slices of fruit instead.

Better still, turn off the TV or computer and get them out riding their bike, playing in the park or doing any physical activity they enjoy.

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Wise Words Quotes SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:16:00.001-07:00

Each moment of ur life is a picture
Each moment of ur life is a picture which u had never seen before. And which ull never see again so enjoy & live life & make each moment beautiful....

GODISNOWHERE this can be read as GOD
GODISNOWHERE this can be read as GOD IS NO WHERE or as GOD IS NOW HERE everything depends on how do u see anything. so think positive

A negative thinker see a difficulty in every opportunity
A negative thinker see a difficulty in every opportunity,A positive thinker see an opportunity in every difficulty,wish u an optimistic life..

Love urself ,Flirt with ur understanding,
Love urself ,Flirt with ur understanding,Romance with dreams,Get engaged with simplicity,Marry genuiness,Divorce the ego...Thats Good Life...

What the word IMPOSSIBLE says
What the word IMPOSSIBLE says I M Possible. So every thing which seems impossible is itself says that is possible.

In life LOVE is never planned
In life LOVE is never planned nor does it happen for a reason.But when LOVE is real,It becomes ur PLAN for life and ur reason for living.

Mistakes are painful when they happen
Mistakes are painful when they happen,But years later a collection of mistakes called Experience Which leads us to success...

What is trust ?? Trust is a feeling
What is trust ?? Trust is a feeling that a one year child has , when you throw him in air and catch again , and he enjoys it

When GOD drops needles and pins along ur path
When GOD drops needles and pins along ur path in LIFE, dont stay away,, instead pick them up and collect them..they were designed to be STRONG!

Dont think how many moments in your life
Dont think how many moments in your life, just think how much life is there in a moment.

Treat everyone with politeness,
Treat everyone with politeness,Even those who are rude to U.....Not because they are not nice,But bcoz u are nice....!!!**By Amit

Success is like tip of the tail
Success is like tip of the tail !!!If cat runs to catch the tail.It has to keep running forever.But if it walks in its own style.Tail follows!!Live life with ur own rules....

GOD is always playing CHESS
GOD is always playing CHESS with each one of us. He makes Moves in our LIFE & then sits back to see how we react to the CHALLENGES ... So make the best move before CHECKMATE....

Life gives answer in 3 ways.
Life gives answer in 3 ways... It says Yes & gives u what u want, it says no and gives u something better, it says wait and gives u the Best!

Urdu SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:15:00.001-07:00

Khush to bahot hoge tum,
Khush to bahot hoge tum,Ki forward karne ke liye SMS mil gaya,Magar aab kya karoge...?Jab msg me kuch bhi nahi mila...?Ha ha ha ha

Dosti Kro College wali se
Dosti kro college wali se, Ishq larao office wali se, Flirt kro pros wali se, Pyar kro dilwali se, ankh larao sali se, aur maar khao ger wali se.

Jo Juldi mile woh hai gum
Jo juldi mile woh hai gum, jo dair se mile woh hai paisa,jo kisi kisi ko mile woh hai pyar, jo kismat se mile woh hain AAP.

Life is like math
Life is like math. Friends ko plus kro , dushman ko minus kro, khushion ko multiply kro, Gham ko divide kro, aur hamesha muskrao.

Aap aik brilliant, beautiful, genius
Aap aik brilliant, beautiful, genius, smart, nice, gud looking, intelligent, respectful, kind, ideal larkay/larki ka sms par rahe ho.

5 great people:
5 great people: 1.Quaid, woh to ab rahe nahi 2.Wasim Akram, woh kisi kaam ka nahi, 3.Aishwarya Rai, apni pohanch say bahir. Baqi rahe aap aur hum So keep in Touch

Wife- i will die. Husband- i will also die.
Wife- i will die. Husband- i will also die. Wife- Why do you want 2 die? hosband- bcoz ma itni khushi bardasht nahi kar sakta:!

Meri to behan hai"!
Sardar going with his sister, Some shouts "Oye, ,mashoka le ker kahan nikle" Sardar gets furious & slap him & says" Oye. mashoka hogi tero. Meri to behan hai"!

Murga SARDAR tha!!!
A Sardar went 2 hotel, ordered chiken, Waiter comes with the order, Surdar:Murgi di taang kithe hai? Waiter:Woh langra tha. Surdar: Dil? Waiter:Dil murgi le gayee. Surdar: Dimaag? Waiter: Murga SARDAR tha!!!

Message pe message bhejte ho,
Message pe message bhejte ho, bhej bhej ke bheja kharab karte ho, bhejte ho toh bhi kya bhejte ho, khud ka bheja to chalta nahi dosron ka bheja hua bhejte ho!!

sadak hi sidhi nikli.
Suchta tha har mor per aap ka intezar karenge.. per, per, per, per, per, per, per, per, per, kambhakat sadak hi sidhi nikli.

Punjabi SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

Teri gali whicho langaa ge jaan-jaan ke,
saanu pata ae ki tu Thane report likhvayi hoyi ae,
jaa ke puch layi tu Thanedaar nu,
assi ohdi vi kudi fasayi hoyi ae!!!

Tussi Hasde yo sanu hasaan vaaste
tussi rone yo saanu rovaan vaaste
ek vaar rus ke ta vekho sohneyo
Marr javange tuhanu manaan vaaste

SMS bhejan da nahi si shonk saanu,
teri yaad ne mobile fada dita,
Message likhde likhde space muki,
assi overwrite alloweed la dita,
yaara mereya message reply karin,
assi apna farz nibha dita!!

Hasna Ohna di Aadat C
Aasi galat Andaja la Bethe
Oh hasde hasde vasde rehe
Te aasi apna aap gua Bethe.

Aaj vo humse jannat mein takra gaye
Aaj vo humse jannat mein takra gaye
Aur humare dil se awaaz nikli.....
Fiteh Mooh Tusin ethe vii aa gaye !!!

Akhiyan wich aa ke ruk jande ne hanju,
Palka te aa ke ruk jande ne hanju,
Bada Dil karde baha deva enna nu,
par tenu hasdeya vekh ke suk jande ne hanju!!

Assa vaang musafir tur jaana,
teri mehfil sada abaad rahe,
kade do-chaar hanju dol lavi,
jekar tenu saadi yaad rahe!

Jo assar hai akh di maar ander
oh na teer te na talwaar andar
ohna Rab nu labh ke ki lena
Jinna paa leya Rab nu yaar ander!!!

Sohne sohne nain-naksh usde
vekhan waale bada pasand karde
sade naal kare oh pyar hass ke
eho jiha Rabba koi parband kar de
sanu vi sohna bana Rabba
nahi taan sohne banaane band kar de!!

Ishq ishq ta har koi karde,
par koi Channa( A River) wich koodan nu tyaar nahi,
ki kahiye ajj-kal de jhuthe aashiqa nu,
Dil de sakde ne par jaan nahi!!!

TUSI bade hi gr8 ho,
RASGULLE ki pl8 ho,
PEPSI ka cr8 ho,
ANDE ka oml8 ho,
SMS KARANE ME bade le8 ho,
JALEBI ki tarah stra8 ho,
KHER jo bhi ho mere fevr8 ho...!
dil 20 13 80 20 tere
dil 20 13 80 20 tere ( read it in punjabi) By Atif

Khushboo teri yaari di
Khushboo teri yaari di saanu mehka jaandi hai,teri har ik kitti hoyi gal saanu behka jaandi hai,saah taan bahut der lagaande ne aun -jaan vich,har saah ton pehle teri yaad aa jaandi hai By Rajni

Ibaadat rabb di te chehra yaar
Ibaadat rabb di te chehra yaar da howe,sajde khuda di te rasam pyaar di howe,aashiqaan de mazhab di ki dassiye,zikar rabb da te gal dildaar di howe. By Rajni

VATTE OS HI BERI NU PENDE
VATTE OS HI BERI NU PENDE NE,JIS BERI DE MITHE BER HUNDE NE.MUSIBATTAN OS HI KAUM TE PENDIA NE,JIS KAUM DE MARD DILER HUNDE NE.KAUN PUCHHDA KAVAAN TE GIDRAAN NU,KAID PINJRE CHE BAAJ TE SHERHUNDE NE.I M PROUD TO B A PUNJABIBy Rajni

Dear SIR,BENTI HAI Ke AAJ KAL SCHOOL
Dear SIR,BENTI HAI Ke AAJ KAL SCHOOL VICH DIL NAHI LAGDA, TE RAAT NU NeinD NAHI ANDI, KYOKe SCHOOL VICH KUrIYAN GHAT NE TE SADDI CLASS vitch ik VI NAHI HAI JO HAI OH SAB ENIYAN AJEEB NE K DEKHAN NU JI NI KARDA TE MADMAAN V KOI KHAAS PATAKA NAHI HAN. HOR NI TA KUCHH KAMAVALIYAN HI SOHNIYAN RAKH LAVO.AAP JI DA BAHUT DHANWADI HOWANGA
YOUR FAITHFULLY,

New Year SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:13:00.002-07:00

Years come n go,but this year I specially wish
Years come n go,but this year I specially wish 4 u a double dose of health n happiness topped with loads of good fortune. Have a gr8 year ahead! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Lets welcome the year
Lets welcome the year which is fresh and new,Lets cherish each moment it beholds, Lets celebrate this blissful Newyear.

New is the year,
New is the year, new are the hopes and the aspirations, new is the resolution, new are the spirits and forever my warm wishes are for u.Have a promising and fulfilling new year.

Oh my Dear, Forget ur Fear,
Oh my Dear, Forget ur Fear,
Let all ur Dreams be Clear,
Never put Tear, Please Hear,
I want to tell one thing in ur Ear
Wishing u a very Happy "NEW YEAR"! by UZZAL

May The Year 2006 Bring for You....
May The Year 2006 Bring for You....
Happiness,Success and filled with Peace,Hope & Togetherness of your Family & Friends....Wishing You a...*HAPPY NEW YEAR*by UZZAL

NEW YEAR 2006
W
Y
H

WI
YO
HA

WIS
YOU
HAP

WISH
YOU A
HAPPY

*****************
*NEW YEAR 2006*by UZZAL

*****************
Great,Prosperous,Blissful
Wish You A...Great, Prosperous, Blissful, Healthy, Bright, Delightful, Mind Blowing, Energetic, Terrific & Extremely ...HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006.by UZZAL

With all the Rose's Perfume
With all the Rose's Perfume & with all the lights in the world & with all the children's Smiles...I Wish U that ur all dreams comes True..*HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006*

Naughty SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:13:00.001-07:00

CONGRATS.Your phone has been installed
CONGRATS.Your phone has been installed with a new puzzle game. To play,throw your phone against the wall.Then assemble the pieces....

Always start your day with a lot of... S E X S
Always start your day with a lot of... S E X S - SMILE E - ENERGY X - XCITEMENT so make S E X a daily habit, and youll always B SUCSEXFUL! in LIFE.

Come here,take off urs pants and knickers
Come here,take off urs pants and knickers, get on top of me, enjoy until u get satisfied, loving urs.....toilet!

Lastnite i went 2 bed without u.
Lastnite i went 2 bed without u..cold,naked,thinking of u, missing ur warmth, ur soft touch against my skin. Where were u lastnite,

A girl phoned me the other day and said.
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home

Press down down more Ok more YES
Press down down more Ok more YES ahh ohh yes almost there yeah oh shit harder SO GOOD ! mmmmm That's how I sex on text !

I really deeply wish tat u r here
I really deeply wish tat u r here with me in my room.on my bed&lights is off & we get under the cover together.. 2 show u my glow in the dark watch.

He came at night,
He came at night,
explored my body,
got on top of me,
touched me,
he bit, sucked, swalowd,
when he was satisfyed,
he left,
i was hurt,
BLOODY... MOSQUITO !!!!

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Very good!
Intelligent Ho!
Kal A-B-C-D sikhenge...

oT TnAW T2UL I
oT TnAW T2UL I
+THpinboop YA2
!..2mA3rb T33w2
! .. niH)A2 2'rU
Confused na? Read it in a mirror.. Now...
Bye!

there are 3 chambers in my heart.
there are 3 chambers in my heart.
1 for ALLAH
1 for ABBOO
1 for AMMEE
Oh wat about u dear?
Sorry no place 4 u in my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bcoz
You Are MY HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!By Ikram

What is the height of Flirting?
What is the height of Flirting?
When your love letter starts with "TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN".

Mothers Day SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:12:00.002-07:00

When U feel U R alone in the Crowd,
When U Think No 1 can Understand U,
When UR love is rejected by others,
& when U hate UR Life,
Just Close UR eyes,
& see,
Her facce who Loves U
more than any 1 else,
Who Care 4 U in loneleness,
& dies when U cry.
She is no 1, But UR Sweet Loving Mother.
Love UR Mom First. IYA

You've seen me laugh
You've seen me cry
And always you were there with me
I may not have always said it
But thanks and I love you
Happy Mother's Day Noor

For the best mom
who always had a smile for me
I know we may be far apart right now
So here's a great big hug and kiss
Happy Mother's Day Fatima

Many hugs
Only luv never anger
Teaching me
Helping me
Every smile when I was sad
Raising me to be strong
It spells Mother. Thanks for being u. Arzoo

Happy Mother's Day
means more than flowers and gifts
It means saying thank you
It means I love you
You are my mother, my friend
Today is your day Aro0j

I luv u mom
having u makes me feel safe & calm
I miss u mom
Missing touches 2 my face with ur chapped palm
u r the greatest
because u r my mom Shumaila

Mommy, I love you
For all that you do.
I'll kiss you and hug you
'Cause you love me, too.
You feed me and need me
To teach you to play,
So smile 'cause I love you
On this Mother's Day. Mommy, I love you Nazish

For all that you do.
I'll kiss you and hug you
'Cause you love me, too.
You feed me and need me
To teach you to play,
So smile 'cause I love you
On this Mother's Day

I Miss You SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:12:00.001-07:00

Message: * some text missing*
Message: * some text missing* Sender:* Name Missing * *Number Missing *Sent: * Date missing * Missing U a lot thats y everything is missing....

3 Little Hearts
I m sending u 3 little hearts to remind u 3 things, I m HERE, I CARE and i MISS U

Do u know
Do u know, what i say, what i think, what i feel, what i think, what i wish, U want to know? I MISS U SO MUCH.

Wat makes some people dearer is not just de
Wat makes some people dearer is not just de happiness dat u feel when u meet them but de pain u feel when u miss them.. MISS U........

I hide my tears
I hide my tears when I say your name, but the pain in my heart is still the same. Although I Smile & Seem Carefree, There is no one Who misses you more than ME!

ABCDEFGHIGKLMNOP

A B
C D
E F
G H
I J
K L
M N
O P
Q R
S T
V W
X Y Z
have I missed
something?
yes..
i missed "U"

If u wanna know how much I miss u,
If u wanna know how much I miss u,
try to catch rain drops,
the ones u catch is how much u miss me,
and the ones u miss is how much I miss

Last night i wanted to send u a msg
Last night i wanted to send u a msg, but all i could write was: "noh ss!w !". it didn't make much sense until i read it upside down...By Nikeee

Whenever I miss You,
Whenever I miss You, Stars falls down from the Sky.
So any day if you find the sky empty, don't blame me!
It's all your fault; You made me Miss You So Much!!By Uzzal

Close your Eyes,
Close your Eyes,
Relax your Body,
And stop your Breathing as long as you can...
NOW BREATH......
I Miss you as much as YOU MISSED THE AIR!By Uzzal

In The Flower My Rose Is You,
In The Flower My Rose Is You,
In The Diamond My Kohinoor Is You,
In The Sky My Moon Is You,
I'm Only Body My Heart Is You,
That's Why I Always MISS YOU!By Uzzal

U must b tired coz u hv been running
U must b tired coz u hv been running through my mind, u gotta b a thief coz u hv stolen my heart n I must hv been a bad shooter coz I keep missing u.By candy sana sattar

Do u know
Do u know, what I say, what I think, what I feel, what I think, what I wish, U want to know? I MISS U SO MUCH.By J-J

Kitna bhi chaho na bhol pao ge
Kitna bhi chaho na bhol pao ge Hamain,Jitna dur jao nazdik pao ge Hamain, Mita sakte ho to mita do yadain meri,Magar kya sapno se juda kar pao ge Hamain.(i miss u sidra sabeen) By Sami Gul

There's no Special reason
There's no Special reason for this msg, I juz wanna steal a single moment out of ur busy life & hope I can make u smile n say: I Miss U. by Ikram

Good Time,Bad Time,Day Time,Night
Good Time,Bad Time,Day Time,Night Time,Work Time,Off Time,Happy Time,Sad Time,Sleep Time,In the Mean Time...I MISS YOU all the Time.

Love SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

Without Love -- dayz are
Without Love -- dayz are
"Sadday,
moanday,
tearsday,
wasteday,
thirstday,
frightday,
shatterday... so be in Luv everyday...
Wish u a Happy Valentine's Day

Life ends when you stop dreaming
Life ends when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing and love ends when you stop caring. So dream hope and love...Makes Life Beautiful

Time will always fly
Time will always fly, but our love will never die. Keep in touch and remeber me

When You give your heart
When time comes for u to give ur heart to someone, make sure u select someone who will never break ur heart, cuz broken hearts has never spare parts.

Write on Bricks
I m going to write on all the bricks I MISS U and i wish that one falls on ur head,so that u knows how it hurts when u miss someone special like u.

If 10 people care 4 u
If 10 people care 4 u, one of them is me, if 1 person cares 4 u that would be me again, if no 1 cares 4 u that means i m not in this world.

I m feeling so happy
I m feeling so happy, do u know why? cuz i m so lucky, do u know how? cuz God loves me.Do u know how? cuz he gave me a gift. Do u know what? its YOU my love.

First time i saw u
1st time i saw u i was scared 2 touch u.1st time i touched u i was scared 2 kiss u.1st time i kiss u i was scared to luv u.but now dat i luv u im scared 2 lose u!

If i were a tear in ur eye
If i were a tear in ur eye i wood roll down onto ur lips.But if u were a tear in my eye i wood never cry as i wood be afraid 2 lose u!

I love all the stars in the sky,
I love all the stars in the sky, but they are nothing compared to the ones in your eyes!

Kabi mehsoos karna
Apne dil ki dardkan ko
Aur Sunna!
Ik saaz ko..
Jo!
Kay raha hai..
Tum se!
K!
Main door nahi..
Juda nahi..
Tumare pass hoon...! By Wasim Chishti

Aap ko ijazat hai rooth jane ki
Hum ko aadat hai SMS se manane ki
Aap jawab agar na do gay hamare SMS ka
Hum had kar dain gay MISSBELL se satane ki By Wasim Chishti

Miss Call k bahane yunhi aap ka no# mila dayte
Aap kuch na kayte
Magar muskura dayte By Wasim Chishti

listen don,t send any sms again i don,t wnat to see you to hear your
voiceto think of you to keep in touch with you be cuz docter adviced me
keep away from ,,SWEETS,, By Naveed Ahmad

~.~PEOPLE LOVE~.~
ACCOEDING 2 THE AGE
18 TO 28 DINRAT
28 TO 38 ROSRAT
38 TO 48 JUMA JUMRAT
48 TO 58 EID SHABERAT
58 TO 68 KHALI GALBAT
& UP TO
68
BURIBAT........
By Sameer

(Punjabi)
100 saal lambi hove umar ohdi,meri us toon ik pal khat hove.
rabba mereya rabb jehe yara bina maitho ik pal na kat hove.
raji kare na vaid koi,jehra jigar te lageya fatt hove.
saah akhri jado nikle,sir mera te yara da patt hove. By Neer

I m feeling so happy, do u know why? cuz i m so lucky, do u know how? cuz God loves me.Do u know how? cuz he gave me a gift. Do u know what? its YOU my love. By M.HAMID RAZA ANSARI

Good Night SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:10:00.002-07:00

i count to 3 u shall fall a sleep
Master of puppets is pulling your strings, twisting ur mind n SmasHing ur dreams. blinded by me, u can't see a thing when i count to 3 u shall fall a sleep 1,2,3,Zzz

somewhere out there beneath the pale moon
somewhere out there beneath the pale moon light someone think in of u some where out there where dreams come true... goodnite & sweet dreams 2 you

cover blanket tight tight
As nite falls upon the land, it is time 2 Zz again. With the moon hangin in the starlit sky, i'm here to wish U NiteNite! Sweet dreams, cover blanket tight tight

As u go 2 bed 2nite
As u go 2 bed 2night, I ordered bats 2 guard u tight. I told some ghosts to dance in white, & 2 make sure u r alryt, i'LL ask the dracula 2 kiss ur neck goodnight..

windows of soul begin 2 close
Tireness draws across the mind making the body fade flexibility and soon windows of soul begin 2 close N enter the dreamland!! Sweet Dreams!

On this cold cold nite
On this cold cold nite,in My small small ROOm,i Look At The Brite Brite StArS iN tHe DaRk DaRk sKy & DrEaM of YouR sWeet sWeet SmiLe on ur CuTe CuTe FaCe! GdNiTe!

Wash your face
Wash your face and wash your feet! Now itz time 2 fall asleep. Yours eyes are weak N mouth can't speak so hope tis nite shall b nice and sweet. Good Nite.

A day is going to end again
A day is going to end again. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams...

Stars light Stars bright
Stars light Stars bright u're the only Star I see tonight. I wish I may. I wish I might be there guarding ur dreams tonite, gd nite sweet dreams

I was looking out the windows
I was looking out the windows thinking about the person I care most & the person that came into my mind is U so juz wanna wish u good nite.......

Close ur @@ eyes
da starz r out, da moon is up, 1 more HUG, 1 more smile, KISS u once, KISS u twice, now itz time 4 bed. Close ur @@ eyes, n sleep tite!

If dreamz vrn't dreamz n if dreamz
If dreamz vrn't dreamz n if dreamz cum true, i wdnt b here i wd b vth u. Distance is 1 thing dat kips us apart bt u r olwaz in my HEART. Gd nyt...

If u'r awake, goodnight my
If u'r awake, goodnight my sweet darling and if u just woke up, good morning honey. Luv u so much. by aishaz

Dont ever give up wen
Dont ever give up wen u r down..it doesnt matter if u fall many tyms..jst remember that each time u fall ..il nvr let u reach d ground..trust me..il always be around.gudnyt..u By A LOVELY SOUL

Welcome aboard2 "Sweet Dreams
Welcome aboard2 "Sweet Dreams" airline, all passengers on bed, hug ur pillows as the flight will be leaving soon 2dream land. Enjoy ur time ;) G'NITE!

i wish that God would hold u
i wish that God would hold u tite. i hope that angels will keep u in site. Now just2make sure u feel all rite, i'm gonna wish u a wonderful nite! sleep tite!!

Good Luck SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:10:00.001-07:00

Every sunset gives us one day
Every sunset gives us one day less to live! But every sunrise give us, one day more to hope! So, hope for the best. Good Day & Good Luck!

The HOPE, The STRUGGLE and The HARD WORK
The HOPE, The STRUGGLE and The HARD WORK towards a goal/ success is part of the rewards. Achieving goal itself is not the whole reward........ BEST WISHES

Care for the one who shares
Care for the one who shares with u, share with the one who knows u, know the one who MISSES u, MISS the one who WELL WISHES for u, Wish u all the Best

Fly in the plane of Ambition
Fly in the plane of Ambition & Land in the Airport of Success...Luck is yours,Wish is mine...May Ur future always shine...Good Luck

I Wish 4 " U "

I Wish 4 " U "
Great start 4 Monday
No Obstacles 4 Tuesday
No stress 4 Wednesday
No worry 4 Thursday
Smile 4 Friday
Party 4 Saturday
& Great fun 4 Sunday
"Have a beautiful and smart week."

Happiness as light as air.
Happiness as light as air.
LOVE as DEEP as OCEAN.
Friends as solid as diamonds and
success as bright as gold.
These r my wishes 4 u today n everyday...

With my 1 Heart...2 eyes.
With my
1 Heart...
2 eyes...
5 litre blood...
206 bones...
1.2million Red Cells...
60 trillion D.N.A.'s...
I wish u "All the very best of LUCK"...

luck is yours
luck is yours wishes are mine let's ur future be always shine.Best of Luck By sulagna

Trusting God won't make the mountain
Trusting God won't make the mountain smaller but it will make climbing easier. Hope you will be able to climb all your mountains always. Good Luck By Baasha

Meaning of some colors,
Meaning of some colors, Yellow for special friend, white for peace, orange 4 luck,black for hate, red for love and pink for likeness,So i choose for u Orange Flower.Wish u goodluck By Arzoo

examation is garden success is folower
examation is garden success is folower
god bless you power to pluck this folower By Hassa

Trust your heart don't be afraid
Trust your heart don't be afraid to reach out to something new.Go ahead get yor hopes up even if things turns out differently than you have imagined.You will have tried,you will have learned,you never have to live with regrets.It seems to me what wears us down the most in life aren't the chances we take but the ones we don't take,the dreams we put aside,the adventure we push away.So what ever you want in life go for it an dalways remember no-matter what trust youer heart.

Funny SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:09:00.001-07:00

When i open my eyes every morning
When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only i suffer!!!

One day Santas Girlfriend asks him,
One day Santas Girlfriend asks him, Darling, om our Engagement will you give me a RING?Santa:Ya sure, Give me ur Telephone No.

When I was born Devil said..
When I was born Devil said...Oh Shit!!! Another GOD!!!..& When u were born devil said ...Oh Shit!!!!Competition...!!! ....

Fill in the blank...Im ur .....friend-
Fill in the blank...Im ur .....friend- a)-Cute b)-Sweet c)-Loving d)-Boy/Girl e)-Best of all Reply is a must...

Do U know the fullform of COLLEGE-
Do U know the fullform of COLLEGE- C-Come,O-On,L-Lets, L-Love, E-Each,G-Girl,E-Equally......Thats why boys go to college regularly....

Who said english is easy???Fill in the blank
Who said english is easy???Fill in the blank with YES or No... 1.-----I dont have brain... 2.-----I dont have sence... 3.-----I am stupid....

If ur world is spining Round & Round.
If ur world is spining Round & Round..& Round....Ur heart is beating fast ,do u think its LOVE? na Munna na its called high B/P...

Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year,
Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter, Good luck on Valentines, Spooky Halloween & Happy Birthday Now bug off and don't annoy me for the next 12 months!!!!

what happend 2 ur mobile?
what happend 2 ur mobile? i was trying 2 call u but i got this msg: welcome 2 D jungle network,D monkey u r tring 2 call is on tree plz try later.

First the engagement ring, then
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering

Last night I lay in my bed
Last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky...then i thought where the fuck is my roof

Birdy birdy in the sky dropped
Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly!

If your a Vegetarian to be nice
If your a Vegetarian to be nice to animals, why are you eating there food

I'm a killer, i kill people for money
I'm a killer, i kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE !!

Its been a rough day.I got up this
Its been a rough day.I got up this morning,put on a shirt N a button fell off.I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off.I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom

Jesus says to John come forth ill
Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

At dis moment in time 10 million people
At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

The rain makes all things beautiful
The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?

i want u 2 know dat our friendship
i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again

An independant study has proven
An independant study has proven dat those who have a bad sex life & who are crap in bed are readin dis message in their right hand!

I'm @ the police station
I'm @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving.Urine sample was positive so I nicked the sample.they r now doin me 4 taking the piss

girls are like phones.
girls are like phones. we like to be held and talked too- but if u press the wrong button u'll be disconnected! TUM KO DEKHA TO YE KHAYAL AYA
TUM KO DEKHA TO YE KHAYAL AYA
PAGALON KAY STOCK MAIN NAYA MAAL AYA By shiraz

bush nain osama ko pakarnay kay liyay 500 kutay manway hain 499 aa gay hain 1 rah gya hay sms partay hi niklo. By m,tayyab ismail

ROSE
LOTUS
TULIP
ORCHID
SUNFLOWER
JASMINE
ALL FLOWERS R SWEET
THET HAVE NO COMPARISON
WITH U!

!

!

!

!

!
KIONK GOBI K PHOOL KI BATH HI ALAG HAY. By Khattak

2009-04-22T00:08:00.002-07:00

Nobody is like you
Nobody is like u, nobody cares 4 u, nobody misses u, nobody wants to see u good, nobody is ur best fr, nobody is happy with u.... dont cry.......my name is nobody

I m getting married next month.
I m getting married next month.... its small party and only few people will be invited...... dont bring any gift.....just bring someone who ll marry me.

Its too hard to loose someone
Its too heard to loose someone who is 99% cute, 98% sweet, 97% loving, 96% talented and 100% friendly, Thats me, whats a waste of life if u loose me.

if u read this, i m smart..
if u read this, i m smart.. if u save this, u agree i m smart.. if u 4ward this, u r spreadin that i m smart.. if u delete this u r jealous...

Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips,
Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, a great smile the perfect walk, smoothest talk, absolute gorgeous, thts enough bout me... how r u ?

Rules of Life:
Rules of Life:Assume Nothing,Xpect Little,Do More,Demand Less,Smile Often,Dream Big,Laugh a Lot,Pray Always,Cry Once for missing me everyday.

Why do U think I SMS u ?
Why do U think I SMS u ?
Is it because I care ? Or I miss u ?
Or I love u ? Or I need You ? No ! It's b'coz...
I need a person for just time pass

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass & flowers 2.
If rain makes all things beautiful
why doesn't it rain on you?

i look at the moon
i look at the moon
the moon is beautiful
i look at you
i..i...
i rather look at the moon again

U R 100% beautiful,
U R 100% beautiful,
U R 100% lovely,
U R 100% sweet,
U R 100% nice, and
U R 100% stupid to believe these words...

Flirt SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:08:00.001-07:00

Friendship is not a Game to Play
Friendship is not a game to play, It is not a word to say, It doesn't start on March and ends on May, It is tomorrow, yesterday, today and everyday.

Moon said to me to leave your friend
Moon said to me, if ur friend is not messaging u why dont you leave ur friend.I looked at moon and said does ur sky ever leave u when u dont shine.

Age appears to be best in some things
Age appears to be best in some things. Old wood best to burn. Old books best to read. Old rice best to eat and old friends best to keep

God picked up a flower
God picked up a flower and dipped it in a DEW, lovingly touched it which turned in to u, and the he gifted to me and said, THIS FRIEND IS 4U.

To live a life
To live a life i need heartbeat, 2 have heartbeat i need a heart, 2 have heart i need happiness, to have happiness i need a friend, and 4 a friend i need U.ALWAYS

True friends r like morning
True friends are like mornings, u cant have them the whole day, but u can be sure, they will be there when u wakeup tomorrow, next year and forever.

Make 1000's friends
Its not an achievement to make 1000's friends in a year, but an achievement is when you make a friend for 1000's years.

6 rules to be HAPPY
6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred; Free your mind from worries; Live simply; Expect less; Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND

Never abandon old friends.
Never abandon old friends. They are hard 2 replace. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. Just like us... i get BETTER, u get OLDER.

I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!!
GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!!

As long as we have memories, yesterday remains;
As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste.

ill always value u deep within my heart!
Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart!

If friends were flowers
If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!!

Ur validity of being my friend is going 2 b expired
Ur validity of being my friend is going 2 b expired today,plz recharge ur friendship immidetly by delivering 4-5 sweet & cool msgs.So hurry

Friendship is sweet when it’s new
Friendship is sweet when it’s new, Sweeter when its true, but sweetest when its u. When God gave friends he tried 2 b fair! When I got u, I got more than my share!

Decent SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:07:00.001-07:00

Someone ask me to describe u in two words he expect me to answer The Best but i did not answer i just smiled and said No Comparison
If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give.
To Luv some1 is madness, 2b loved by some1 is a Gift,
Loving some1 who loves u is a duty, but being loved by some1 whom u luv is LIFE.
Every moment of ur life is a picture which u had never seen before and which u'll never see again. So enjoy n live life & make each moment beautiful.
Days are too BUSY.. Hours are too FEW.. Seconds are too FAST.. but there is Always a time for me to ask.. How R U? n Hope Ur FINE.. MISS U!
This is the telephone terrorist team. While receiving this message a virus will be activated. This virus should have infected your mobile by now. Your mobile will be disabled, unless you are ugly.
-there is a long ,
long trail a winding
-into the lands of my dreams
-where the nightmare is singing
-and white moon beams
-a long night of waiting untill my dreams all come true........
Never cry for those who donot deserve ur tears but who deserve your tears never let you cry
In life when you get troubles, don't get nervous... Just close your eyes and follow ur heart... b'coz heart may be in left.... but it is always right
DONT4GET
Please remind me 2 remind u about reminding me 2 send u this reminder that reminds me of reminding u that i am always ur friend. DONT 4GET
U-ME=NOTHING
U+ME=EVERYTHING
I LOVE U
Smile in Pleasure,
Smile in pain,
smile when trouble pours like rain,
Smile when someone hurts U,
Smile bcoz someone cares 4 U...
*
*
*
*
*
Question:
*
*
*
*
How much love in your heart for me?
*
*
*
*
*
Choose:..>>>
*
*
*
*
100% then call me.
50% then send message me.
25% then only ring.
0% no answer.( if it happens it means that line is busy try later.)
" Always remember, a true friend is someone who
reaches for your hand and touches your heart"
"LOVE IS LIFE
&
IF U MISS LOVE
U MISS LIFE
LOVE IS AMAZING
LOVE IS DIVINE
IT IS EVERY THING
THAT MAKES LIFE WORTHWHILE .
science haz proved that SugaR melts in water......so plzzzz...DONT walk in rain ..otherwize i wil lose such a sWEEt friend like U..!!
Bachelor's schedule...
Monday ko dosti ; Tues ko pyar ;
Wed ko shaadi ; Thus ko barbadi ;
Fri ko fighting ; Sat ko talaq ;
Sun ko rest, Mon ko phir se talash....
Wen nites r long & frinds r few, i sit by my window & think of u.... A silent whisper a silent tear....with all my heart i wish u were here
Love is like a mountain,
hard to climb,
but once you get to the top
the view is beautiful
Every night when I look at the moon, it reminds me of you, how you can see the same moon. It makes me sometimes sad because I can see the moon, but I can´t see you.
Love your friends,As they love U,But never hate them when they hate U,Give your smile to everyone but give your heart to Only 1
Long, long afterward, in an Lake
I found the arrow, still unbroke;
And the song, from beginning to end,
I found again in the heart of a friend.
"The rain may be falling hard outside,
But your smile makes it all alright.
I'm so glad that you're my friend.
I know our friendship will never end."
MAKING 100 FRIENDS A YEAR IS NOT AN ACHIEVEMENT,BUT AN ACHIEVEMENT IS TO MAKE A FRIEND FOR 100 YEARS
Life brings "Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum"how long it last "Na Tum Jano Na Hum"but "Hum Saath Saath Hain"n always remember "Ma Hoon Na".
Some one is loving u

caring for u

Watching over u

Protecting u

GUESS who

A*L*L*A*H
SEA CAN BE DRY .
MOUNTAIN CAN BE FLY.
U CAN FORGET ME .
BUT NEVER CAN I.....
FOUND YOU
I love you up from heaven
down to the ground
I'm really glad
to have you found
SENT WITH A SMILE
god in heaven,
god above
please protect the one i love,
sent with a smile,
sealed with a kiss,
i love the one who is reading this
if one star will fall everytime i miss you... all stars will be out of the sky now.... so if ever there will be no stars tonight it's all your fault..... u made me miss you so much!!!!
Every time I say 'how are you?' my heart says 'I care for you.'. Everytime I ask 'how have you been?' my heart whispers 'I miss you'
Under the sea, there lays a rock. In the rock, there is an envelope. In the envelope, there is a paper. On the paper, there are 3 words... 'I Miss You'
Never waste an opportunity to say 'I love U' to someone u really like, coz it is not everyday u'll meet the person who has the magic to let u fall in love.
Don't cry in Love coz 4 whom u r crying does not deserve ur tears & the person who deserves it will never let u cry!!!
Løvë î§ wëñ ü tåkë åwå¥ thë ƒëëlîñg thë Þå§§îøñ thë ®ømåñçë..& ü ƒîñd øüt.. ü §tîll çå®ë 4 thë Þë®§øñ...!!
People Live, People Die. People Laugh, People Cry. Some Give Up and Some Will Try. Some Say Hi and Some Say Bye!. Others May Forget You! But Never Will i
You can win me ,you can lose me but never try 2 use me
May allah sain increase your happiness like price of petrol n decrease your sorrows like cloth of bipasha basu. Be happy take pepsi n lasii
I Don't Feel the Miles Between US...
When I Think Of You...
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.
"Sadness is beautiful!!!!!!!! Loneliness is tragically".
The value of life does not depend on the length of time on this Earth but rather on the amount of love given and shared to the people we care about.
Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
SHOOT FOR THE MOON
EVEN IF U MISS
U WILL LAND AMONGST THE STARS
"There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, learning from
failure."
Some People Have Nice Eyes, Some Have a Nice Smile & Some of Them Have a Nice Face But Yoy Have All of Them Inclluding a nice Heart...
Friendship is Like A Tree ...It is Not Measured on How tall it could be,But on how deep the roots have grown.
The smile is like a simcard & life is like cellphone, whenever u insert the simcard of a smile, a beautiful day is activated Keep Smiling.
I knocked at HEAVENS door
GOD asked" What is your wish of today?"
I said " Plz protect love and BLESS the one reading this message"
GOD smiled and replied " GRANTED "
LAST NIGHT I SAW I DREAM IN DREAM I SAW AN AGNEL
ANGEL ASKED ME WHAT DO YOU WANT
I TOLD AN AGNEL TO TAKE CARE OF YOU
HE SAID " NO"
"BUT WHY"
He said "Angelz dont take care of angelz"
HI, KEEP MESSAGING ME AND WIN EXCITING PRIZES,1ST-LOTS OF LOVE,2ND-LIFE TIME FRIENDSHIP,3RD-FREE STAY IN MY HEART ,OFFER VALID TILL I M ALIVE....

Cool SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:06:00.001-07:00

Doctor's Prescription
Doctor's prescription 4 u. A cute little smile 4 breakfast. More laughs 4 lunch. Lots of happiness for dinner. Doctor's fee? An sms when u r free.

An apple keeps the doctor away
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit.

You are Genius
u r genius, ur mind is a master piece.It is divided into left and right.In the left part nothing is right and in right part nothing is left.

May God increase ur Happiness.
May God increase ur happiness like prices of petrol, and decrease sorrows like clothes of Bipasha Basu.

Fresh Flowers for u
I m going to give fresh flowers 4 u and 4 ur loving thoughts and prayers to make u lighter and brighter.

It only takes a minute
It only takes a minute to get a crush on someone an hour to like someone a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone

Remember me and bare in mind
Remember me and bare in mind A faithful girl is hard to find This is always good and true So dont go changing old for new!

Difference between pleasure and torture
What is the diff between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of u & torture is thinking of u 2 much.

If you see some one without a smile,
If you see some one without a smile,give him one of yours ,because you are among a few good people who can shine others lives by just walking with him a few miles.

9 lessons in life:
9 lessons in life:
Learn 2 care, learn 2 smile, learn 2 cry, learn 2 give, learn 2 forgive, learn to share, learn to trust, learn 2 love & learn 2 SMS me DAILY...!!!

If i were to describe true love than
If i were to describe true love than i wud describe it as what a snowman did to a snow woman, he gave her a warm hug and they both melted in each others arms...

sum ppl say happiness is lyf
sum ppl say happiness is lyf. others say it's freedom. ∑ say it's money... but happiness 4me is just having da opportunity 2know u!!

I have a new kodak camera
I have a new kodak camera
ur snap please...
don't move
steady
smile :)
ready
click
ohh ho
those who live in ones heart cant have a snap!!!

to see light,look at sun..to see love look at moon
to see light,look at sun..to see love look at moon..to see beauty,look at nature..to see hope,look at future..but,to see all of this,look at the mirror....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk 2 me wen I’m Bored,
Talk 2 me wen I’m Bored, B with me wen i’m Sad, Hug me wen i Cry, Care 4 me wen i’m Sick, Don’t ever cry 4 me wen I die! Just treasure me wen I’m ALIVE.

Please remind me 2 remind U about reminding me
Please remind me 2 remind U about reminding me to send U this reminder that reminds me of reminding U that U never have to remind me 2 remember U, I ALWAYS DO!

It feels nice when some1 misses u
It feels nice when some1 misses u, feels good when some1 loves u. feels better when some1's with u. But it feels the best when some1 never 4gets u.

SMILE:
SMILE:
S: Sets u free,
M: Makes u special,
I: Increases ur face value,
L: Lifts up ur spirits,
E: Erases all ur tensions,
So, please keep smiling.
7 Glances= 1 Smile
7 Glances= 1 Smile
7 smiles =1 meeting
7meetings= 1 kiss
7 kisses= 1 proposal
7 Proposals=1 marriage
and that bloody marriage has 777777 problems

When we sigh about our problems,
When we sigh about our problems, they grow D_O_U_B_L_E. But when we laugh about them... they become ö ö ö ö ö BuBBLes! Have a bubbly life!

Our friendship has become our HABIT
Our friendship has become our HABIT even if U take out H-ABIT remains.Take out A ,still BIT remains ,Finally take out B,still IT remains....

You know your 1 smile can cause 100 people die
Do you know your 1 smile can make 100 peoples die, so u can decrease this over population, so baby, please keep on smiling.

It is scientifically proved
It is scientifically proved that suger can dissolve in water,so please dont go outside when it is raining, cuz u r the sweetest in the whole world.

I think U r very careless!!
I think U r very careless!!!U come & leave things behind!!!! See now what u have left??U just came in my mind & left a smile on my face....

Only the open heart receives
Only the open heart receives
LOVE
Only the open mind receives
WISDOM
Only the open hand receives
GIFTS
and...
Only the CUTE 1's receive
MESSAGES From ME!

Birthday SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

Its a nice feeling when you know that someone likes you,
Its a nice feeling when you know that someone likes you, someone thinks about you, someone needs you;but it feels much better when you know that someone never ever forgets your birthday."HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

Kick off ur shoes,take a break
Kick off ur shoes,take a break,Crank the tunes,Dance & Shake,light the candles,cut the cake .Make ita a day,that's simply Great!!! Happy B'Day....

A prayer: 2 bless ur way
A prayer: 2 bless ur way
A wish : 2 lighten ur moments
A cheer: 2 perfect ur day
A text: 2 say HAPPY BIRTH DAY

Flying papers , multi colours of balloon,
Flying papers , multi colours of balloon, delicated blossom, fantastic people, love and laughter. What it describes? HAPPY BIRTHDAY

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight and wipes wrinkle away
hope u share a lots and receive a lots 4 days 2 come
happy Birthday .......

Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it. .......

In my past life, god said a gem is going to be born on
In my past life, god said a gem is going to be born on (date) and i give u a boon that u get to be this beautiful gem's friend...couldnt ask for anything more but thank the god for giving me a friend like u...happy birthday and dont forget that someone somewhere is wishing for ur happiness on every falling star."

MAY ALMIGHTYS BEST BLESSINGS
MAY ALMIGHTYS BEST BLESSINGS SHOWERED ON YOUR HAPPY BIRTHDAY

xtra special ekdum mast n (In HINDI)
Apun wishing you a wonderful, super duper, zabardast, xtra bariya,
xtra special ekdum mast n dhinchak bole to ekdum jhakaas, JANAM DIN mubarak ho..
IN SOFT GLEAMING NIGHT OF STARS
IN SOFT GLEAMING NIGHT OF STARS
MAY ALL UR DREAMS COM TRUE
MAY EVERY STAR OF EVERY NIGHT
BRING LOV N JOY 2 U
HAPPY B'DAY 2 U...

i know its ur birthday 2day.
i know its ur birthday 2day.. iam sure u'l give me treat in a big hotel.. so i shall talk to u in person there, coz i dunno to xpress my feelings in SMS"

Apne dil ko tatolke apni baat keh do.(In URDU)
Apne dil ko tatolke apni baat keh do. 'Today is a day of celebration. Why? xx years ago on the same day, GOD sent me my flesh and bone conscience. Wishing my Friendly Inner Voice a very happy b-day. Hugs & Kisses'

Friendship is about. bringing out the positive
Friendship is about. bringing out the positive when everything seems negative...being accepted for who you are...being able to pick up right where you left off...sharing, talking, and laughing...Friendship is about us, and for that I'm grateful. And I hope you have the best birthday ever, friend!

This day, when the most beautiful female
'This day, when the most beautiful female MIND was born, is my most beautiful day. Luv and Long live.'

The best way to remember your wife's birthday
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Anniversary SmS Messages

2009-04-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

Happy Anniversary and May your marriage
Happy Anniversary and May your marriage be Blessed with love, joy And companionship For all the years of your lives!

That special day is here again
That special day is here again The day we took our vows You're just as special to me today As you still get me aroused. Happy Anniversary LoverBy Sonu

I'm sending this bouquet of love
I'm sending this bouquet of love To say that I love you so much I hope I say it often enough I want you to know it's true,On this special occasion I want to remind you That you are my everything And my love is true,Happy Anniversary Lover!By Sonu

Long after our anniversary And thi
Long after our anniversary And this greeting has been thrown away Think of the thought behind it,Each and everyday, Happy Anniversary Lover!By Juli

if I met you on tomorrow I would still
if I met you on tomorrow I would still give you my heart If you should say, "do you still love me?" I'd say, "Till death do us part"Happy AnniversaryBy Juli

Best wishes to you both on ur anniversary,
Best wishes to you both on ur anniversary, May the love that you share Last your lifetime through,As you make a wonderful pair.Happy WeddingBy Juli

To the beautiful couple in all the land
To the beautiful couple in all the land, May your anniversary be Happy and Grand.Happy AnniversaryBy Juli

How true my feelings were I found
How true my feelings were I found out to be The best thing in my life Was when you married me Thank you my loving wife(loving Husband), For the years we share I know one thing for sure We make a wonderful pairBy Nazli

On this special day,best wishes go to you,t
On this special day,best wishes go to you,that this wonderful love u share, lasts your lifetime through.Happy anniversary to you my LoveBy Nazli

I'll always remember The day I married you,
I'll always remember The day I married you, Without you my love, my beauty, I don't know what I'd do Your loving and thoughtful ,Just to mention two, I adore your sweet smile It makes me want you.Happy AnniversaryBy Nazli

We've had our ups and downs,
We've had our ups and downs,This we both know,Through it all our love Still managed to grow Different thoughts we had About many things,But our love for each other,Had no attached strings.Happy AnniversaryBy Nazli

Hoping that the love you shared years
Hoping that the love you shared years ago Is still as strong today as it was then Bringing you much joy , love and happiness To celebrate again.Happy AnniversaryBy Nazli

Nothing in this world Could ever be As
Nothing in this world Could ever be As wonderful as the love You've given me Your love makes my days so very bright,just knowing you're my darling wife(Husband).Happy AnniversaryBy Nazli

Your love makes my days Happy and bright
Your love makes my days Happy and bright, Into my world you Brought pure delight Joy beyond reason You've given me, Our love is true This I can see.Happy AnniversaryBy Nazli

The most important thing you fixed
The most important thing you fixed Was on your day of leisure When you fixed your eyes on me That day I'll always treasure I love you** Happy Anniversary ***By Nazli

all my love for you FREE
all my love for you FREE!wishing u a very happy ANNIVERSARY....!By Meg

I LOVE U are words just three,
I LOVE U are words just three,which mean so much on our ANNIVERSARY.so this is what i want to say,live in my heart n there 4 ever stay!By Meg

Marriage is that relation
Marriage is that relation between man and women in which tha Independence is Equal,the Dependence mutual and tha Obligation Reciprocal". Best wishes for Happy Wedding Anniversary.

Wanted: Ideas for Energy Efficient Data Centers

2009-04-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my blog last week, there are many ways for people to get involved in helping create a more sustainable future. My family and I had a great time “powering down” during worldwide Earth Hour last Saturday night. We turned off (and unplugged) the TV and cable box, turned off all the lights in our home, and played the game “charades” by candle light. We also talked about how important it is to conserve energy, every day, every hour - and how the sum of many small actions can make a big difference. Comment below if you want to share how you spent Earth Hour!
Intel has created an opportunity for IT professionals to get involved in creating a lower carbon future, by sharing their best ideas on how to conserve energy in Data Centers: the Data Center Efficiency Challenge. We announced this video contest earlier this week, coincident with the launch of the new Intel® Xeon® 5500 Processor Series. For more details, check out the contest’s Facebook page.
Are you a college student? Reminder, there are just 2 weeks left to enter the Power Down for The Planet video contest, hosted by Climate Savers.

Intel® Dual-Core Technology

2009-04-09T10:14:00.000-07:00

Designed from the ground up for revolutionary energy-efficient performance, Intel® dual-core processors enable exceptional productivity enhancing features and rich multimedia experiences. As the catalyst for new processor architecture design, Intel dual-core processors have become the standard for our desktop, mobile, and server platforms.

Intel® Multi-Core Technology

2009-04-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

Permanently altering the course of computing as we know it, Intel® multi-core technology provides new levels of energy-efficient performance, enabled by advanced parallel processing and next-generation hafnium-based 45nm technology. Incorporating multiple processor execution cores in a single package delivering full parallel execution of multiple software threads, Intel multi-core technology enables each core to run at a lower frequency, dividing the power normally given to a single core. This provides a breakthrough experience in notebook and desktop PCs, workstations, and servers.
Central to our technology roadmap, Intel® multi-core processors based on 45nm Intel® Core™ microarchitecture are paving the way to the next revolution in processor technology—next-generation 32nm multi-core processors. By innovating future architectures that can hold dozens or even hundreds of processors on a single die, we're ensuring that Intel® technologies will continue to outpace demands well into the future.

Intel® Microarchitecture Codename Nehalem

2009-04-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

Intel's latest-generation microarchitecture, first exemplified as the Intel® Core™ i7 processor, represents the next step in faster, multi-core technology that intelligently maximized performance to match your workload. Designed from the ground up to take advantage of 45nm Hi-k next generation Intel® Core™ microarchitecture, Intel® microarchitecture codename Nehalem, unleashes parallel processing performance enabled by an integrated memory controller and Intel® QuickPath Technology providing high-speed interconnects per independent processing core.

The latest in processor innovation

2009-04-09T10:07:00.000-07:00

The next level of multi-core performance
Intel® microarchitecture codename Nehalem, offers the latest in processor innovation, including:

* Dynamic scalability, managed cores, threads, cache, interfaces, and power for energy-efficient performance on-demand.
* Design and performance scalability for servers, workstations, notebooks, and desktops with support for 2-8+ cores and up to 16+ threads with Intel® Hyper-Threading Technology (Intel® HT Technology), and scalable cache sizes, system interconnects, and integrated memory controllers.
* Intelligent performance on-demand with Intel® Turbo Boost Technology taking advantage of the processor's power and thermal headroom. This enables increased performance of both multi-threaded and single-threaded workloads.
* Increased performance on highly-threaded applications with Intel HT Technology, bringing high-performance applications into mainstream computing with 1-16+ threads optimized for new generation multi-core processor architecture.
* Scalable shared memory features memory distributed to each processor with integrated memory controllers and Intel QuickPath Technology high-speed point-to-point interconnects to unleash the performance of future versions of next-generation Intel® multi-core processors.
* Multi-level shared cache improves performance and efficiency by reducing latency to frequently used data.

Intel® Quad-Core Technology

2009-04-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

Delivering future technology today
Intel® quad-core technology delivers intelligent performance along with breakthrough energy efficiency. With four complete execution cores within a single processor, Intel quad-core technology is the ideal choice when it comes to your high-performance computing needs. Designed from the ground up to provide the ultimate multitasking and multimedia experience—desktop and notebook PCs, workstations, and servers with Intel quad-core technology are the ideal choice for work, home, and play.

Research

2009-03-18T23:49:00.000-07:00

Imagine a computer that would alert you if your elderly parent forgot his medication, or one that helped grow the perfect grape for your dinner table. Intel researchers throughout the world are working at universities, in labs, and in the field to create technology to improve every facet of life — from agriculture to manufacturing, microbiology, space exploration and beyond.
Tera-scale Computing
Intel has a broad R&D effort to drive the hardware and software innovations necessary to harness the performance of future processors such as the Larrabee Architecture with 10s to 100s of cores while remaining energy efficient
Redefining Mobility
Intel researchers are redefining the mobile device, how it interacts with its environment and how we interact with it to lead the industry in delivering new products and services that open a whole new internet experience.
Energy Efficiency
This research is concentrated on improving the power profile of Intel components, taking a systems approach to designing power efficient platforms, and collaborating with industry partners and customers to develop broader energy–efficient system solutions.
Exploratory Research
Exploratory Research at Intel is advancing the state of the art through world class technical expertise, open collaboration and university ties, and multi-disciplinary teams.

Intel Core 2 Duo E6700 / 2.66 GHz processor

2009-03-18T23:45:00.001-07:00

The Intel Core 2 Duo processors are built in several of the world's most advanced, high-volume output manufacturing facilities using Intel's leading silicon process technology.